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I am lost inside myself. I am working another 4th step. busting my… - Striving for a path with heart [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Feb. 3rd, 2006|12:49 pm]
I am lost inside myself. I am working another 4th step. busting my ass and that is good.

I am lost inside myself...my career and where I am going and what it will look like. I can't seem to get out of my head long enough to do the dishes or be with my childre. all untreated addiction.

I went to the grocery store today. And I bought a shitload of veggies and fruit. 66 dollars. 20 dollars for cat food (why am I convinced nutro is the best...I hear it really is...and well, if I'm going to have a cat, I want her to be healthy with the least stinky shits possible!)

My daughter wants to go to the corner store to spend her allowance...2 loonies. She is supposed to get 4 dollars a week...but I cannot afford it. I get 100 a week for the grocery/needs budget. We are tight. There are many things I want to do. I go out to breakfast on Saturday and that is about 10 bucks give or take. And I want to go tomorrow because it is part of my sanity but I really shouldn't.

I want to go to a LLL workshop on the island (with ferry fare it will be spendy...can I combine anything else with it? A visit to MIL? Bringing other leaders and applicants so I can reduce my cost (we cannot afford it now from our group funds)

I want to go to a Unitarian church family camp (I was told I could apply for a scholarship for that...thank goodness)

I want to go to Minnesota for 2 weeks this summer because I know we won't be going again for a LOOOOONG time. And I want to go camping for a week just us in the wilderness (where, I don't know...close to home because we can't afford the gas)

We have a plan. A plan for the rest of our lives...you know? Like...live here 2 years. Go there 2-3 years...5 years..live in a co-op.build career, build business, save save save. We figure in 8-10 years we will be able to buy a HOUSE in the woods (small acreage). We're very excited. Very scared...now get on with it. And it is easier to be in my head.

I read a lot of doula stuff today. Considering lactation consulting...I could do LC, doula, childbirth education....it would be a nice little business...but for the work. Is it worth it? Yes, it is my calling. I see nothing else I can spend that much time on and love. And I have to love what I do. It was the best bit I took from University, "You have to do what you love."

I'm in love.

We made love last night...the first time in a LOOOONG time. Connected. Release. We both needed it. OH, and we went out for coffee too. That was good.