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Striving for a path with heart

One day at a time

I've spent the last 12 years self-dissecting. A true navel gazer, I've splayed myself out on my own kitchen table, picking here and there with anything and everything. No dissecting kits are necessary when you've got forks and spoons!

When you've knocked on my door, I've either kept you out (who wants to see guts and gore?) or invited you in to inspect, peruse...to judge. But I've simply dissected you and your experience of me.

I'm narcissus. A fact of which I'm not proud.

My intentions haven't been evil, I don't think. I simply want my life to fit into a cute little box, tied with organdy ribbon and hand it to you, "You will LOVE this!" and believe it. I thought my life had to fit into a scrumptious little box and I thought you had to love me. I fight this tendency today.

"Not everyone is going to love you!" snarked one of my friends. She was being snarky, but added a loving bit of sarcasm to her voice to say this truth without offending me...without hurting my too sensitive self.

Sure enough. She's right.

So some days when you come here, you might see me, splayed out once again, dissecting needles poking through my gigantic navel. Or, you may see me active and involved in life. You might see some really gross shit (literally). You know this, maybe. You don't need this introduction...you love me for who I am and that is enough.

But I need this introduction. I need to remind myself to let go and be me and, for the most part, fuck you. If who I am is not who you want to be with, so be it.

Today I read:

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway.
--Mother Teresa

And so I introduce you to my new journal without all of the social drama of my last journal. No comments. No friends list. Unadulterated me. Take it, or leave it...or simply take what you need and leave the rest. It's a tool for recovery, for living...without my daily journal entries, I'm a bit lost.

Details: I'm 30, I have 3 kids, I'm separated from my husband, bi-sexual, I'm a compulsive overeater and co-dependant. I am a birth junkie, a lactivist and breastfeeding advocate. I vacillate between socialism and libertarianism, TCS (as a parenting philosophy is interesting and I use some of it but coerce my kids regardless), instinctive mama, unschooling (mostly) my 3 kids.

I'm also constantly changing and usually a dichotomy...so feel free to be as confused as I!