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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2005|06:43 am]
One Day at a Time
November 25, 2005


:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

The strongest principle of growth lies in human

George Eliot

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
I spent most of my life blaming others for my
woes and the fact that I was a compulsive
overeater. I thought, "If you had had a mother
like I did, an ex-husband or a tough life like
mine, you would also have turned to food for
comfort or to block all the painful feelings." I
was sure that had I had an easier life like I
perceived others to have, I wouldn't have had
to do the things around food that I did. I never
took responsibility for my part in all this because,
in truth, I was the one who chose to react to my
life in that way. Nobody forced me to behave the
way I did and nobody held me down and forced
food into my mouth.

I never used to realize that I do have choices in
life. I can choose not to eat foods that are harmful
to me; I can choose not to surround myself with
unhealthy relationships; I can choose not to let
other people's problems become my own; in fact,
I have choices in most things that I do. I can
choose to have a more positive attitude today,
instead of focusing on all the negatives. I do not
have to react to life's adversities with destructive
behaviors. I can choose to be active in my life rather

than being reactive, like a sailing ship in a stormy
sea that is totally at the mercy of the weather. I
can choose to seize life with both hands and live it
the best I know how.

Today I choose to work this program of recovery
knowing that, even with life's difficulties, the
of the program will come true in my life, and I will
know serenity and peace.

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~

(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2005|08:31 am]
OK. It has to be done. A big long entry detailing the plethora of things I must do between now and Friday and Saturday. This is merely to get my head organised and no other interface is as useful for this as lj....I've tried:



Today I need to fold the laundry and put it away. 6 loads. I'm not doing that till later.

Once the futon shop opens, I need to take the kids there and buy a new futon frame. Shit. I don't want to do this. I may NOT do this...but if we want a futon couch under this loft bed, I'm going to need to do it. Budget? Hmmm...under 100 for sure. Preferably the price will be under 80. I went out to fucking FAR FAR AWAY to buy a futon frame last night and it was a fucking BED. Crap! A futon bed, not a futon couch. Sheesh. Oh well.

I need to go grocery shopping:
2 brown bread
meat (hamburger, pork)
Turkey for Saturday
Veggie Bouillon
3 Tubes of sausage

(How many pounds of turkey per person again?)We got a 20 lb bird!
Stuff for Madonna salad (shit...dig out that recipe...might as well do that now)
1 can crushed pinapple
1 box apricot jello
8 oz cream cheese
8 oz cool whip
1 large jar of apricot babyfood (with tapioca)
...I seem to recall they only have peach here and that tastes fine.
(I'm making the turkey, stuffing, gravy and Madonna salad. That is enough. We'll have potatoes and something green and yams pie. I think that is good enough. Now we're missing the corn (scalloped corn) and lefse...but oh well. Christmas is coming soon enough and lordisa knows I won't miss any of my faves at Christmas!)
How long I can go without coffee is in direct proportion to how much money I have to shell out at Starfucks (and lately that has been at least one a day! God...I need to get my spending in check. Thankfully I don't do credit...or credit doesn't do me ;) )
Baby carrots
2 green pepper
2 broccoli heads
1 cauliflower head
poultry seasoning
Hidden valley ranch mix (or the equivalent)
Stuff for birthday cake...I need to dig out that recipe too.
1 choc cake mix
sweetened condensed milk
1 pkg caramels (1 1/2 cups)
1 cup chopped nuts
1 cup chocolate chips
canned whipped cream
(because it is FUN)

MY service announcement: Don't put all your chickens in one basket [Nov. 19th, 2005|07:50 am]
I just had some big stuff happen over the last couple of days. The really cool thing about it all, is never once did I have to rush right home to journal about it here because I have REAL 3D people to talk to now. SEVERAL of them. I am just floored at how taking LJ out of my life as my sole network of support has worked.

I love lj as a network and it is support...but it is just one piece. I lived and breathed lj for a time...and many on my friends list who I read (but no longer read because it sucks me into isolation) were living through lj.

I don't have a judgement per se....like...if you do it and it works for you, great. But it so didn't work for me. I just didn't see it until I was able to step away from it for a time.

But wow! People are really fucking cool and accepting when you make no excuses and point no fingers. Well, some are not...some are still fuckwads....but when those fuckwads are affecting me, there are plenty around me now to just hold out a hand. It's SWEET!

(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2005|01:15 pm]
I have my fingers in a lot of places but no where am I rooted. That is what comes to my head today.

I didn't drink my alotted 2 cups of coffee this morning and I have determined that I'm a caffiene addict again because I cannot think straight, see straight or keep my eyes open!

In that state I led a LLL meeting today. Whew! They are so full. So many moms, so much need and not enough time. And from a fried LLL leader too. Oh well. There was another one there too. That's good to have.

I would like to lead much smaller meetings. I don't know how to do that. They are so big 20+ moms some times. I chased after one pregnant mom who left looking completely overwhelmed as if she was not going to be able to deliver her child for her feelings of being overwhelmed. When I sort of said that to her she said as her shoulders relaxed by a foot, "I feel like I have to adopt this baby out!" So I feel like I was able to talk her down a bit. She left nodding and smiling and with a concrete task (search out a book, only read about positioning and latch for right now). It's not the best setting to learn about breastfeeding. It's just not. I mean, the idea is there, but how we are running the meetings...I don't know. You sort of throw everyone into the fray and hope they can pick out what they need. And that is great. Because that is what motherhood is like...right? And LLL trusts moms to find what works for them, etc. But we could do so much more to GUIDE. LOL. But that's not what it is.

I see this huge hole in my city and they need breastfeeding ed. classes and more lactation consultants who will travel to you. I wish so much that I could do more home visits. As it is I intend to visit a mama with twins this week. What I can do, I don't know. She's seen 3 different LCs...but she has twins. OH SQUEE...a mama with twins came to the meeting and breastfed...they were so tiny and it was so beautiful for others to see that. It was good good good.

Of course, my heart breaks for the bleary eyed mama of a newborn who left without saying a word and who I missed....there just aren't enough of us. I hate that she walked away without getting help :( But I can only do what I can do I guess.

My co-leader gave my daughter a big bag of dress up clothes today. She's so beautiful...my daughter. She fierce. Oh boy is she fierce. She's persistant and stubborn. She's temper tantrumming now at 4 more than she ever has. It's fairly irritating...but this too shall pass. And then it will be back.

Now the littlest's screaming. That can end now. Oh can that end.

I have so much to do. So much I want to do and feel like I need to wait until I get paid to do. Waiting is bullshit though. I can do SO MUCH...just get it done. But I don't.

I went to a meeting last night. I'm talking to newcomers. Newcomers are talking to me. It is FREAKY and cool. I resigned my position of volunteer online. I can't do it. I resent it. It doesn't work for me. It is not helpful to my recovery. Yet I'm getting that 12 step guilt for resigning. oh well. It occurred to me last night that I've been going to meetings and listening to how I SHOULD work my program. I have been feeling pretty crappy about things due to that mindset...I'm never good enough. But I know, if I stay plugged into my higher power/my intuition, I am working exactly the program I'm to be working.

Re-reading Illuminata. Love Marianne Williamson's prayers. Of course, I'm still reading Everyday Blessings...but I have not read it in the last day or so.

Tomorrow is a day when our dear angel comes to take the kids out. I sure hope she does. I need some time...but when don't I?

I've signed up to go into school for 2 hours a week now. Mon and Wed afternoons. Thankfully I am already to be there for carpool anyway. So I give 2 hours a week just by going an hour early. I clean up a bit. That seems to be helpful. I don't really know what else to do. Lil guy and girl just play and paint or what not and I clean up. It works for me. Sometimes that room gets CRAZY messy! The teacher seemed tickled that we cleaned up for her. I guess it isn't always like that. I figure, do what needs to be done. The kids can fend for themselves...that's what they do there.

16-17-18 month olds love water. I remember that with my eldest. Oh did he LOVE water. LOVED it. So does this one. Water and containers and spoons and he's just a nut!

(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2005|09:21 am]

I just picked up, Everyday Blessings by the Kabbot Zins (or somesuch). It's about Mindful Parenting. I LOVE IT! OK, I've only just read the first two chapters (or the intro and 1st chapter...idunno). But already it fits into everything I believe about parenting as a spiritual path. (because it is, whether you know it or not).

Anyway, It's good. Good good good. A Path with Heart, Everyday Blessings, The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book (Dr. Jack Newman), Unconditional Parenting, How to Listen so you Children will talk and talk so your children will listen (not magic, but a tool). Those are my reccommendations for parenting. I don't have a pregnancy and birthing book in there. Hmmm, there are so many. Sheila Kitzinger's book on Pregnancy (the complete book or something like that) and Penny Simkin's The Birth Partner. There you go. Those books, some time, a sling or two (or 5) and two lactating breasts are all you need. SO sayeth AO LOL Well, it worked for me..... ;)

I hear some people need to read Misconceptions...but I'm already well aware of the misconceptions of motherhood. Oh yeah. BTDT all over it.

If only everyone would just listen to me :)

I realise I'm so still in my disease at times. It's not something I'm in or out of.

OK. Stop. Wait. I need to talk a bit about this "disease" word. I don't interpret it as sickness. I interpret it as DIS EASE. When I am not at ease, I am "dis-eased" OK? OK.

Ok, wait again. It can be something I'm in or out of. I have a way to deal with it. Yes, ups and downs are normal. But acting out as to those ups and downs...I dont' think that is healthy. It is a normal response to protect oneself, and those actions were necessary as we were children (we knew nothing else). But now as I grow as an adult, I need to learn new ways of coping that are not unhealthy and that I can model for my own children.

Right now my problem is acting out when I feel anger, seething, rage. I clench my teeth and talk as though I'm some sort of monster who has all power and will eat you up at the slightest provocation. DO MY WILL OR ELSE!!!! My son has started making fun of me. I wonder, "Do I really sound that ridiculous?" And I do. I sound utterly mad.

Where does that come from? I don't even need to fully say that sentance and my mind conjurs those times my father and mother "lost it" in such a way. When pushed to the limit, you just yell and growl and get your way. Right? Well...is that really what I want to teach my kids? Is that really how I want to present MYSELF? Nope. So how am I going to do it differently?

I've changed so much. No longer to I insist physically (through holding or hitting/spanking or timeouts). But I still yell. And when I snarl, they better well do what I want OR ELSE. Or else what? I threaten physical violence. "I swear, if you don't do that I'll swat your ass!" and I say it sort of in a joking manner. But am I joking? The threat is there. The power is there. And then I act all "I don't get it" when my kids use power over each other in such a gross way.

I do want it my way. I always have. I guess that is what my mom means when she says I'm selfish. Or part of what she means. I don't think that is a bad thing. Those we love do have insights into our behaviour that others may not. For to look at me one would think I am not selfish.

But it always has been my way. My life, my way. I guess I never thought that was bad. Is it? I don't know. I'm sure it is how I'll continue. My intention is to do no harm in having my way. If that is truly my intention, than I must be open to changing because, right now, I see how it can harm and does harm.

I'm open. God give me the strength and ability and willingness to make those changes.

Remind me to have the confidence...the memory that I'm good enough to make those changes. That I'm worth it. My kids are worth it. My neighbourhood and community are worth it.

MYLJ [Nov. 8th, 2005|10:14 pm]
mmmm, like the new page option. My LJ If I had any friends or any community it would be a great thing! LOL

I spent a great deal of time connecting with my 11 year old tonight. He's not been as much fun lately and I realise it is because I'm looking only for the negative.

I made art today. Autumn rain puddle is the title. It's cool. I think I'm going to have it framed. When I showed Mr. Man he said, "Oh wow...cool." That is not his normal response to things. I guess he liked it too. It's all blue and purple and silver. I included a real maple leaf that was painted a bronze colour. It's pretty cool and I wish I could post a pic. No digi cam.

I'm exhausted but not asleep.

I want to have sex, but...see above.

I miss some old friends but the only way to communicate with them is through lj, and it isn't good for me. So I tell myself. Is it? Isn't it?

God, I just don't know.

BUT, I am standing in the light of God (for lack of a better term)--in my power and I'm not eating over it.

I had a rocky Halloween re. food. I didn't binge. But I did eat candy more than i "should" But it really helped me to look at this whole food thing differently.

I'm thinking of doing a yeast cleanse. I'm convinced I've got some systemic yeast going on. Blarg.

I'm too tired to be more coherant than this.

(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2005|08:57 am]
She's beautiful in wisps of hair feathered across her brow and sweet songs tweeting from her lips.
She has her own take on the way things are and is quite certain of her opinions. She stands her ground as a boulder amidst rapids, so strong, so firm. Stubborness as her mama the bull that will serve and protect her well.

I love my dear daughter. I'm so glad I have a daughter. And two boys. Who perplex me, but I love just as well.

My nearly 11 year old is so rude! He's power trippy and moody and just a plain poop today.

Yet the other day he mopped the floor for no reason other than it needed to be done (sure he used dish soap and he didn't sweep first). His heart was pure. He's also done, I don't know how many loads of laundry over the last couple of days...and the dishes. Either he wants something or he's trying to see if doing things differently will actually make me happy. Of course it's about me, yk! Grrr....

But here I sit, taking a break while everyone else is doing the work. It's sort of like a test to see if they can function without me while I'm out among the working world. I think they can. Our house will never look the way I want it to...but I figure if I can get the walls the right colour what we put into it (or fail to take out of it) will be ok and homey.

My calling is being validated. I am good at what I do and I so look forward to doing more.

Now I'm off to fold that laundry.

(no subject) [Oct. 23rd, 2005|11:13 am]
It has been a long while since I sat down to do a free write. Consciousness streaming exercise. Will this be it? Who knows. I'm always edititing in my head.

I was reading this http://www.thetyee.ca/Life/2005/10/10/Thanksgiving100/ today. Very interesting. The whole series. Very interesting.

My thinking is that I need to get on this...eating locally thing, if only for when the big earthquake comes or oil runs out or...you know...end of the world and all *cheeky grin* But seriously. Being able to pass on methods to my children about how to eat and live without going to megasuperstupidconsumerstore would be a good idea. I think.

I want to have a community garden plot and grow some herbs and some beans or...something. I don't know anything about any of this and it all seems so daunting.

I'm all for urban foraging. I'm all for sustainability, but I don't know how *whine whine* and I want someone to tell me how to do it rather than searching for the answers myself. I have shitloads of shit already on my plate.


I went out last night without my kids. It was tres fabu. Really. I sang karaoke with friends and that ROCKED. So if you must know, I'm a country singer. LOL Not really, but it is what my voice is best suited to and it is what I sing. I realise I really do listen to music and have a sense of it. I really want to sing in a band...but who. Where...and with what time? So I sing to the radio and a capella to my kids. That's enough.

and the phone rang it was the eldest. The 4 year old wants cereal and the baby is running around without a diaper. Good lord. No time to do this is right!

(no subject) [Oct. 13th, 2005|08:45 am]
When all the children are here, they often start out watching a movie. I know, I know...blah.

BUT...I must say, in spite of the fact that my two fight over who is sitting where, it is quite an easy morning. I get a lot done and then have energy to do things with them. Mostly they just like to play with each other, and I think that is a good thing. I always feel like those "Shoulds" of parenting just get in the way. They'll let me know if they are bored and I can suggest something. Maybe they'll want a story. Or maybe we'll paint a collective picture. A long while ago I made homemade finger paints...I wonder if it would be easy enough to throw a batch together...hmmmm.....probably needs starch. I don't have that.

Otherwise...sleepy, but life moves on.

Weird Dream [Oct. 12th, 2005|06:30 am]
I just woke up in a start from a really bad dream. I was in a meeting///group or something. I normally wasn't there. There was a HUGE meeting table and a lot of people from my son's school around it. There was a large TV at the front of the room that sort of constantly played the news, but no one was giving it any attention.

My cell phone rang...and then so did everyone else's. We thought it was some weird thing that pretty much everyone's cell would ring at the same time.

We all looked at one another, around the table and sort of were like..."ummm...this is weird." and then someone says, "Omigod, look" and we see footage of these huge storm systems. Soemone said, "it's a ripsaw" Now, I don't think there is any storm system called a ripsaw...but whatever, it's a dream, right?

So we see these storm systems just covering all of the US (There's my UScentric view for you...even in my dream there was no map of anything else...not Canada, not Mexico...just the US as if it were the only thing). Anyway, I answered my cell as I looked and saw thousands of people taking shelter in a huge stadium (yeah, like in New Orleans). I say, "Omigod, do you know what's going on?"
"Yes." She replies
"Has anything happened there?"

"Yes, actually my desk fell on me...but it doesn't hurt so much anymore..."

and she fades out...and she is just...gone. You know?

I freak out. I scream..."Jessica...talk to me!!! SAY SOMETHING....you've got to STAY AWAKE!!!" But there is no response and I know it is over.

I get up and run screaming like a wild woman out of this room. I'm at some campus...like my neighbourhood's community center/highschool area. I'm running...I go into a common lounge area (like a cushy lunch area at a community college). There is a man there...more TVs...more people taking shelter....more pictures of the storm systems.

And then I wake up.

What the fuck? Yesterday I was saying how totally geeky it was that my mom was saying something about all these storms, earthquakes, tsunamis as "looking like it really could be the 'end times'" And good grief that is not me.

But maybe I have some underlying fear about that. When I woke up my entire right arm was fully asleep...tingly and extremely difficult to move. I sat there for a bit thinking:

"The entire valley is going to flood and we're fucked. We'll never get out."

I ran through a couple of scenarios of how we would get what we needed into our vehicle...and even if we could, so would everyone else and we'd be fucking trapped here (there being no good ways that wouldn't be totally jammed to get out of this fucking place) I thought of driving to get BIL who would have his guns. I thought of all the winter clothes we would pack...the fact that my water cleaning system (for backpacking) is at my husband's work and that is the wrong direction to be driving. I thought about bringing a couple of family pictures. And yeah, I thought of baptising all my kids in that instant. Fear based. Truly.


And then my higher power kicked in and I remembered all I need to do, one day at a time, is just do whatever I get the strength and the ability and the willingness to do. Today...at least not at this moment...there is no horrible thing I must deal with.

The last thought I had was, "In Kindergarten your teacher said you had leader qualities. Listen to that. Go there."

Really fucking weird.

I usually don't remember my dreams. I rarely write them down.

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