||[Nov. 12th, 2005|09:21 am]
HEY HEY HEY.|
I just picked up, Everyday Blessings by the Kabbot Zins (or somesuch). It's about Mindful Parenting. I LOVE IT! OK, I've only just read the first two chapters (or the intro and 1st chapter...idunno). But already it fits into everything I believe about parenting as a spiritual path. (because it is, whether you know it or not).
Anyway, It's good. Good good good. A Path with Heart, Everyday Blessings, The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book (Dr. Jack Newman), Unconditional Parenting, How to Listen so you Children will talk and talk so your children will listen (not magic, but a tool). Those are my reccommendations for parenting. I don't have a pregnancy and birthing book in there. Hmmm, there are so many. Sheila Kitzinger's book on Pregnancy (the complete book or something like that) and Penny Simkin's The Birth Partner. There you go. Those books, some time, a sling or two (or 5) and two lactating breasts are all you need. SO sayeth AO LOL Well, it worked for me..... ;)
I hear some people need to read Misconceptions...but I'm already well aware of the misconceptions of motherhood. Oh yeah. BTDT all over it.
If only everyone would just listen to me :)
I realise I'm so still in my disease at times. It's not something I'm in or out of.
OK. Stop. Wait. I need to talk a bit about this "disease" word. I don't interpret it as sickness. I interpret it as DIS EASE. When I am not at ease, I am "dis-eased" OK? OK.
Ok, wait again. It can be something I'm in or out of. I have a way to deal with it. Yes, ups and downs are normal. But acting out as to those ups and downs...I dont' think that is healthy. It is a normal response to protect oneself, and those actions were necessary as we were children (we knew nothing else). But now as I grow as an adult, I need to learn new ways of coping that are not unhealthy and that I can model for my own children.
Right now my problem is acting out when I feel anger, seething, rage. I clench my teeth and talk as though I'm some sort of monster who has all power and will eat you up at the slightest provocation. DO MY WILL OR ELSE!!!! My son has started making fun of me. I wonder, "Do I really sound that ridiculous?" And I do. I sound utterly mad.
Where does that come from? I don't even need to fully say that sentance and my mind conjurs those times my father and mother "lost it" in such a way. When pushed to the limit, you just yell and growl and get your way. Right? Well...is that really what I want to teach my kids? Is that really how I want to present MYSELF? Nope. So how am I going to do it differently?
I've changed so much. No longer to I insist physically (through holding or hitting/spanking or timeouts). But I still yell. And when I snarl, they better well do what I want OR ELSE. Or else what? I threaten physical violence. "I swear, if you don't do that I'll swat your ass!" and I say it sort of in a joking manner. But am I joking? The threat is there. The power is there. And then I act all "I don't get it" when my kids use power over each other in such a gross way.
I do want it my way. I always have. I guess that is what my mom means when she says I'm selfish. Or part of what she means. I don't think that is a bad thing. Those we love do have insights into our behaviour that others may not. For to look at me one would think I am not selfish.
But it always has been my way. My life, my way. I guess I never thought that was bad. Is it? I don't know. I'm sure it is how I'll continue. My intention is to do no harm in having my way. If that is truly my intention, than I must be open to changing because, right now, I see how it can harm and does harm.
I'm open. God give me the strength and ability and willingness to make those changes.
Remind me to have the confidence...the memory that I'm good enough to make those changes. That I'm worth it. My kids are worth it. My neighbourhood and community are worth it.