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There is only 3 degrees of seperation between me and another person… - Striving for a path with heart [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
mamanrecovering

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[Mar. 8th, 2006|10:56 pm]
mamanrecovering
There is only 3 degrees of seperation between me and another person on lj. Whois...doesn't matter really...but I found this interesting.

When I get stoned I have a compulsion to write. I find myself witty and smart and seeing connections where I didn't before. Times like this I feel opened up spiritually and really attuned.

This can quickly devolve into paranoia if someone behaves in a way I find questionable...not expected. And really, being stoned, people rarely behave how I expect them to. And if those people are also stoned...it makes my paranoia even more intense.

Nonetheless, I feel I have a pretty good read on most folks.

I feel like I should write it down here...because if I don't it will be too easily forgotten. You know...watch out for the wolf in sheeps clothing. People who are too good to be true, are. What does that mean?

Does it mean they are less than? No. Does it mean they must bear my judgment...no. But I do observe these things and I do take them as warnings. I must. Especially with the vision of wolf head, coyote body, fox tail...shit.

I know this doesn't parse.

I am stoned, remember?

It is not for you it is for me.

But here I am worrying about what "you" will think.

Why the fuck do I keep caring?

So JJ is...interesting.

I could so fuck the cook, but I won't. But I could, so easily just fall into that. So easy to fall in love with someone who shares the same addiction. See, Mr. Man doesn't have the same vices as me...we're both addicts...but not of the same substance.

JJ...fuck....I'd be so in trouble if I did JJ. So I won't. Ever. It's like heroin. I know I can't have it because I loved Demerol way more than I should when I was in pain. It is a lovely, lovely feeling.

Basically we are vice twins and since I'm narcissistic, it makes sense that I'd want a vice twin...how fucking...lovely and bliss outy.

Ok

So I seek out objections from others Mr. Man says. I check where I am more often than I need to. Just trust myself. I'm not sure I completely understand what he is saying, but I am open to understanding it.

He stressed, "you do it a LOT." I'm pretty sure this was the thing I did with Mike that made him so frustrated with me. Since JJ reminds me of Mike, I can see why his reactions to things triggered me so much.

I would like to let go of not feeing good enough or acceptable.

I would like to just be me and be ok.

I was today. I was me. It seemed to be ok.

Great Mother, show me the next step...I'm willing.
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