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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2006|06:44 pm]

Tonight I made a marinated chicken breast (marinated in a beef bouillon, kitchen bouquet broth), with a mushroom cream sauce (minced onions and garlic in butter, mushrooms...added my "fake wine"....beef bouillon, tomato juice, balsamic vinegar, kitchen bouquet...the smallest amount of rubbed sage and savory, steamed asparagus spears and wild rice pilaf (that was cooked in the same broth I marinated the chicken breasts in). YUMMMY!

(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2006|09:31 am]
I would like a week of NO KIDS and NO HUSBAND and time to clean. The first night I would go out with friends to a decadent dinner with plenty of wine and sleep in and have a hot bath and see a matinee. Then I would start in on the cleaning that needs to be done. I woudln't feel guilty for not taking time out to be with the kids or DO something with them.

I need a vacation. DH needs a vacation. We'd like one together but we definitely don't want to bring the kids! HA! As IF!

I no NO ONE who would take all of our kids for the 3-4 days it would take for us to get ourselves back.

And where exactly is DH going to go for a WEEK with 3 kids he needs to get away from?

This feeling of being trapped is here again.

I'm making it difficult for myself. I'm sure I need to just let go and let god and all will work itself out. As I KNOW it does.

But sometimes I think I'm given feelings to act on my own behalf? Fooling myself? Maybe.

(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2006|10:52 pm]
Her head rests on her left knee. Her left-knee pulled high, foot on the floor, right ankle cross legged pose. Her arms over her head. She is defeated. Maybe lost in thought. Grieving. She is trapped. All of these or none?

A dance class space. Wall of mirrors. DancingBlack and pink leotards. Up and down arms, alternating. Girls...hair in buns...young...but not too young. Full of hope.

Back to the room with the girl. Light splashes on her hair, but cast shadows. Contrast from the ballet scene.

When we come back up on her

A woman at the computer stops her typing and rolls her neck from side to side. A man behind her now squeezes her shoulders tight. The peace offering of "not tonight dear." She juices each moment of the massage rather than what she used to do, "Is this IT??"

Relaxed, she allows her body to rock slowly back and forth at the computer, sensuality oozing from her pores. Eyes closed, her mind opens to the idea of more movement.

I ache to move my body like a ballerina. To stretch my arms up hight to know my limits.

I move at the keyboard and there is no taut stretch except in my mind...the only place I seem to stretch these days and even there I see it hardening. Arteries slowling clogging with plaque. And this is what I guess it feels like to recognize age. To recognize I have stagnated myself (only because I'm young and stupid!??)0. I am no longer the innocent and free child with nothing but freedom and promise.

I dont' mean to make my life sound bleak. It is not bleak. But I do feel a certain amount of trapped. A certain amount of stagnation.

I read about Philip Dick tonight and it stretched a part of my brain I've let atrophy.

My thoughts are disjointed and I don't care.

I have fantasized about an affair one too many times. No, not an affair..just..this man I am not even acquainted with. Such a cliche fantasy. Why is that. He is SOOO fucking hot! Really. mmmm. He's a yummy yummy man. I have ZERO interest in ANYTHING about him other than how well he can fuck my brains out.

It is quite obvious that I need to get laid. And by that I mean NOT BE THE ONE TO INITIATE.

I want strong hands to wrap around my waist, a hot breath on my neck and a husky whisper, "I need you. I want you."

Soft core porn baby...it's what I want!

Does it all really come down to not getting enough sex? BWWWAAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAAA!

Big sigh.

Maybe. Maybe it is always about satiating my needs. Buddhism is so right on about learning to sit with what is.

What is.

This is what it is.

(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2006|10:56 pm]
There is only 3 degrees of seperation between me and another person on lj. Whois...doesn't matter really...but I found this interesting.

When I get stoned I have a compulsion to write. I find myself witty and smart and seeing connections where I didn't before. Times like this I feel opened up spiritually and really attuned.

This can quickly devolve into paranoia if someone behaves in a way I find questionable...not expected. And really, being stoned, people rarely behave how I expect them to. And if those people are also stoned...it makes my paranoia even more intense.

Nonetheless, I feel I have a pretty good read on most folks.

I feel like I should write it down here...because if I don't it will be too easily forgotten. You know...watch out for the wolf in sheeps clothing. People who are too good to be true, are. What does that mean?

Does it mean they are less than? No. Does it mean they must bear my judgment...no. But I do observe these things and I do take them as warnings. I must. Especially with the vision of wolf head, coyote body, fox tail...shit.

I know this doesn't parse.

I am stoned, remember?

It is not for you it is for me.

But here I am worrying about what "you" will think.

Why the fuck do I keep caring?

So JJ is...interesting.

I could so fuck the cook, but I won't. But I could, so easily just fall into that. So easy to fall in love with someone who shares the same addiction. See, Mr. Man doesn't have the same vices as me...we're both addicts...but not of the same substance.

JJ...fuck....I'd be so in trouble if I did JJ. So I won't. Ever. It's like heroin. I know I can't have it because I loved Demerol way more than I should when I was in pain. It is a lovely, lovely feeling.

Basically we are vice twins and since I'm narcissistic, it makes sense that I'd want a vice twin...how fucking...lovely and bliss outy.


So I seek out objections from others Mr. Man says. I check where I am more often than I need to. Just trust myself. I'm not sure I completely understand what he is saying, but I am open to understanding it.

He stressed, "you do it a LOT." I'm pretty sure this was the thing I did with Mike that made him so frustrated with me. Since JJ reminds me of Mike, I can see why his reactions to things triggered me so much.

I would like to let go of not feeing good enough or acceptable.

I would like to just be me and be ok.

I was today. I was me. It seemed to be ok.

Great Mother, show me the next step...I'm willing.

Gratittude [Feb. 13th, 2006|10:40 pm]
I am greatful for my new friend. Even though she is moving away, it is good for me to have a friend that does not have kids. She is working the program too and it is safe to be me with her.

I am so greatful for mothers who have gone before me...who really understand where I am when I say I don't want my kids anymore...that I love them, but I don't always like them. I'm SOOOO greatful I can be honest and not disappear in a puff of smoke (OR end up in the food)

My darling dear husband of mine said, "Enjoy yourself" tonight when I called to let him know I would be grabbing a coffee with above mentioned friend after my meeting. What a sweetheart. I am blessed to have him in my life.

(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2006|12:49 pm]
I am lost inside myself. I am working another 4th step. busting my ass and that is good.

I am lost inside myself...my career and where I am going and what it will look like. I can't seem to get out of my head long enough to do the dishes or be with my childre. all untreated addiction.

I went to the grocery store today. And I bought a shitload of veggies and fruit. 66 dollars. 20 dollars for cat food (why am I convinced nutro is the best...I hear it really is...and well, if I'm going to have a cat, I want her to be healthy with the least stinky shits possible!)

My daughter wants to go to the corner store to spend her allowance...2 loonies. She is supposed to get 4 dollars a week...but I cannot afford it. I get 100 a week for the grocery/needs budget. We are tight. There are many things I want to do. I go out to breakfast on Saturday and that is about 10 bucks give or take. And I want to go tomorrow because it is part of my sanity but I really shouldn't.

I want to go to a LLL workshop on the island (with ferry fare it will be spendy...can I combine anything else with it? A visit to MIL? Bringing other leaders and applicants so I can reduce my cost (we cannot afford it now from our group funds)

I want to go to a Unitarian church family camp (I was told I could apply for a scholarship for that...thank goodness)

I want to go to Minnesota for 2 weeks this summer because I know we won't be going again for a LOOOOONG time. And I want to go camping for a week just us in the wilderness (where, I don't know...close to home because we can't afford the gas)

We have a plan. A plan for the rest of our lives...you know? Like...live here 2 years. Go there 2-3 years...5 years..live in a co-op.build career, build business, save save save. We figure in 8-10 years we will be able to buy a HOUSE in the woods (small acreage). We're very excited. Very scared...now get on with it. And it is easier to be in my head.

I read a lot of doula stuff today. Considering lactation consulting...I could do LC, doula, childbirth education....it would be a nice little business...but for the work. Is it worth it? Yes, it is my calling. I see nothing else I can spend that much time on and love. And I have to love what I do. It was the best bit I took from University, "You have to do what you love."

I'm in love.

We made love last night...the first time in a LOOOONG time. Connected. Release. We both needed it. OH, and we went out for coffee too. That was good.

(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2005|09:47 pm]
Snood is no longer shareware and WINMX no longer exists? WTF happened???

I just got a new operating system for my computer. I'm sure everyone who uses Microsoft products is already using xp...but I just got it and I love it :)

We have a lovely digital camera now too. Zeeee doooo daaaaay

I'm exhausted...so much so that I had to type exhausted 4 times before I spelled it correctly.


I'm getting on my knees to pray and asking for my heart to be transformed. I like it. It is working. I don't know how much my heart is transforming, but it seems easier to do my HP's will. At the very least I have a better connection to that intuitive voice.

My new sponsor is in hospital :( I hope she's ok. I seem to know how to pick sponsors. Grimace...hmmm. I need someone who can guide me gently and patiently through the steps but who also is...what is the word? Structured without imposing THEIR will. ???? I dunno.

I'm sure it will happen when it should.

In other news. I CLEANED OUT MY COMPUTER DESK and FILED PAPERS! No kidding. For 5 years I've lived here and simply stuffed, stuffed and stuffed some more. Now it is CLEAN. My desk is organised (for me) and the papers are filed in a filing cabinet. 2 big bags of garbage are gone and my desk is no longer a fire hazard. More YAY!

(no subject) [Dec. 5th, 2005|07:52 am]
I managed to pull of a dinner for some old friends without freaking too much with the food. It was ok. It's SO EASY to fall back into old behaviours of gossiping and eating and self-congratulations and more gossiping. That is...hard not to do to be honest. Is it gossip or is it working through OUR feelings about a person? I don't know. I tried, mostly to be reflective, but I must say I added to it...hopefully with awareness of MY shit. Idunno.

I'm getting on my knees to pray each morning. That's new. I usually pray sitting on the toilet. The physical act of getting on my knees, is, supposedly, supposed to make a difference, so we'll see, I guess.

I sound committed don't I?

I'm getting a digital camera for Christmas! WOOOOT

My holiday decorations and lights and such are all up. Done. Now I can focus on the baking (do I bake a lot when I don't even eat them?...ARGH!)I'm going to have to eat splenda on my lefse...or else maybe God will remove my compulsion for lefse with sugar and butter (???? what????) LOL.

The clutter zones of computer desk, microwave, top of computer desk (it is an armoire cabinet) and top of refrigerator are the things I really want to get done before Christmas...and I'd love to get my bedroom tv area decluttered as well. Hmmm....yeah.

What should I buy people for Christmas? Idunno. No one wants anything. Oh, my son wants a Fender electric guitar...ha ha ha hah haaaa

on my way out the door.

(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2005|04:00 pm]
You know what I do? I yell at my kids. I feel irritated, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated and somehow I think it is ok to then LOSE IT and scream at them "SHUT UP! Will you KNOCK IT OFF already?? I'm sick to DEATH of listening to you kids bicker at one another, so SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yeah, I yelled that at them.

I really don't want to do that any more than I want to binge.

I am pre-menstrual. No excuse, just noticing.

I am on day 4 of abstinence and withdrawal from sugar...wow, 3.5 days of no sugar (at least...not that I KNOW of). I'm trying to drink more water and give myself a break.

Can I just say that this period business sucks now that I'm at it?

Ok, so I guess this is normal. I know plenty of people yell at their kids. It's not my first line of action, I am being hard on myself, blah blah blah. BUT, my actions do teach them how to react when they are stressed.

I will continue to seek better ways to express my frustration (if I need to express it at all). Sometimes feeling it and writing about it are good.

Fuck...I better bleed soon, because this HURTS!

Pain definately puts me on edge. I'm not sure how to manage that.
Sit with it and watch it. Over time something will change if it is important enough.

OOOOO I did medicine cards last night. FINALLY. I wish I had the time to write about it coherantly. I may at some point.

LOVING the cat. Yes, we got a cat! KIWI the gray tabby. Oh she's purty!

How appropriate [Nov. 27th, 2005|08:13 am]
One Day at a Time
November 27, 2005


:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

There will come a time when you believe everything is
That will be the beginning.

Louis L'Amour

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
During my life I've always found it hard to start
anything. I don't know whether it comes from
being a compulsive overeater, but I do know
that I took my time in starting a recovery
program. Maybe it was a fear that, if I didn't
succeed, I could never start over.

Luckily, this is a very forgiving program. If I slip,
I can get up and start over. I don't have to stay
down. In fact, I can be down, but I can never be
counted out, because all I need to do is begin
again. My Higher Power helps me stay on track,
and it comforts me to know that, if I fall, I can be
picked up and allowed to continue my journey
to recovery.

I will remain "higher powered" and start over if I
need to.

On Friday I had a binge. I ate my normal dinner at my eldest's birthday party and after everyone left I was just going to have one little piece of cake and a little crust of pizza. It tunred into 2 pieces of cake and 3 BIG slices of pizza and a glass of milk. THAT is a binge for me. I didn't freak out or beat myself up. But it was sort of a bummer knowing that all these months of playing on that slippery slope have brought me to a binge. DUH! Isn't that what they all say, but I had to find out for myself.

Yesterday I went to an American Thanksgiving. I had a big plate of food. More than enough, but I went back for "just a little more". It stayed that little more, but it was unnecessary. When dessert rolled around...I swore earlier in the day I wouldn't eat any as I'd eaten 2 pieces of cake (that I swore would only be one)...anyway, I ate a half piece of pie and a full piece of this delightful croissant bread pudding. I packed up a piece to take home and ate that sitting on the toilet before I'd had a chance to do anything else once I got home. FUCK! And YAY. I guess. Blarg.

So God is giving me an opportunity to change my plan of eating. It is VERY apparent to me that I have no control when I take that one compulsive bite. It is also clear to me that the sugar I've been consuming is biting me in the ass. Many in OA eat no desserts, and sadly, I'm going to need to be one of those. At least for today. I asked god in bed, "I'll do anything, just tell me, I want to be abstinent!"
(I woke up with a sugar headache two days in a row and I'd like to avoid those not to mention weight gain and the sloth that has returned slowly to my life as well...the sloth is just...well, it's not as bad. Things are still really good, but it is really starting to slide uncontrollably and I'd rather not find myself at the bottom of shit filled compulsive overeating hell!)
Anyway, it was very clear: Give up sweets and desserts, give up sugar in your coffee, give up fast food (though subway would be acceptable if necessary) and give up eating after dinner. IF I'm physically hungry after dinner, FRUIT or VEGGIES would be the only appropriate choice.

So there I go. My food plan is laid out. Eat the meals the way I have been, but I'm letting go of desserts and fast food and eating after dinner.

I am a compulsive overeater and my life is unmanageable. I believe the only way to do this is to depend on a power greater than myself for guidance. I've recieved that guidance. I will rely on that higher power to let me know what is appropriate to eat, to give me the strength and the ability to do my HP's will for me. Just for today.

Just today

In other news, we may be getting a cat!!!!!!

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